I don't give a hurtling hoot about reality! I want what I want, and I'm going to be forever sad that I can't have it.

I want my children to live with or near me. I want my mother to live with me. I want us all together in a big ole house where everyone pitches in with the chores, and we hold hands at the dinner table, and Grampa says funny non-sequitors and the women sit around the kitchen table drinking tea and talking about whatever's on their minds! I want GRANDCHILDREN around my knees as I teach them how to make the best piecrust in the world or make them great, creative Halloween costumes. I want people in my house who squeal with delight at the "Santa footprints" they find on the floor between the chimbley and the tree on Christmas Day. I might even want real candles on the tree!! I want it ALL, even the negatives. And I don't have it.

Here I sit in my little (though colorful and comfortable) condo with my dog, trying to feel some Christmas Spirit (ah, speaking of Spirit, maybe some of THAT would help) when, honestly, this is the hardest time of the year for me. My older son appears to simply ignore any messages I send him...I realize he usually skiis at Christmas and that's fine, but would it KILL him to answer my invitation to at least get together so I can give him (and his wife) their gifts??? I accept that he doesn't feel and warm and fuzzy about me, and has an apparently fullfilling life on his own, but I gave him life and I love him, dammit, and I think he owes me the respect of returning a phone call or responding to an invitation/question! And there will be no grandchildren from that quarter, either.

The younger son is better, but is still a busy man. I appreciate the effort he goes to to make Christmas (and other times) special for me, but I'm not probably getting any grandchildren there, either. On the other hand, he got all excited about the Paella I'm making for Christmas Dinner, and decided it will need a Christmas tree on the top made of parsley. For him, I'm making doughnut upside-down cake for dessert. His presence does lift me up.

But, frankly, I could die here and the dog eat my body before anyone would notice or think to call and check on me. I'm SERIOUS! I talk on the phone, or by email or make comments on Facebook, but if I died, it would be WEEKS before any of them noticed I was maybe out of touch for some reason and checked on me. I guess I should take it as a compliment that they all think I'll live forever and am fully capable of taking care of myself in the meantime.

But damn, it feels lonely.

I should have had the 5 or 6 kids I always wanted. I should have had at least one daughter. I should now have more than my share of grandkids I could spoil and pamper and babysit. I should have 14 kids all tumble into my house any time of day and shout, "Grandma! What've we got to EAT?" Or, "Grandma! Let's fingerpaint on the kitchen table!" or better yet, "Grandma! Can we stay over?????"

But I'm not Ma Walton, and although for part of their youth my boys and I all slept in one bedroom and did the "Goodnight John-Boy" routine routinely, I guess my job now is to fill my life in other ways and with other people. Sure feels sad today, though.

With that, I think I'll make a cup of tea and turn on some music, and have a good cry before I wrap Christmas presents to put under my tree...